Tag: anxiety

my awakening

I feel as if I am awakening. Awakening to my truest self.

My soul feels rejuvenated. Last night, my husband and I had a very deep meaningful conversation that really broke down my barriers.

It feels as if I have always filtered my decisions, my life through the lens of other people. As in, I contort myself to the wants, needs, and whims of others. In a word, I am selfless.

Selfless. It sounds pretty romantic, right? Commendable, even.

Rather than a pompous sense of self regard, I find my own personal hell. I find, in my mid-twenties, I am not sure who I even am. My identity feels like a mystery. My reflection? Unrecognizable. Who am I when I am not masquerading as someone else?

I wish I had the answer. Consequently, today I take a step toward crafting my own identity. It requires healing and scraping together the pieces of myself that were lost in other people. It requires being stronger than I think I can be.

I do not feel ready, but that is exactly why I have to begin.

i am the evergreen

Changes are taking place. I feel blown about like trees in the wind, branches swaying, leaves flying.

Like leaves change colors in the fall, I find myself changing, growing.

Sometimes, I feel like the crumpled brown leaf, subjected to the untimely cold, and shriveling under the harsh temperature. Other times I feel as strong as the evergreen, ready to withstand winter’s harshest blows.

I have been telling myself : “I am resilient.”

I desperately want to believe that is so.

joy through pain

Harv finds his zen

Meet Harvey, my shih tzu. He is a year old, and enjoys morning meditation, as you can tell from his mini photo shoot . He also enjoys grunting like a pig when you rub his belly, long drives, and peanut butter off the spoon.

I got Harv when I graduated college, and found myself in a very dark place. Focusing on raising this tiny furball (he used to barely fit in the palm of my hands) helped me focus on something greater than my pain.

Nurturing Harv (baby floof, as I used to call him) helped me focus my eyes and heart on the joys still lingering in my life.

Sometimes, in times of great pain in our lives, it can be helpful to focus your energy outward. I’m not saying we shouldn’t grieve or shouldn’t feel pain; rather, I think we should feel our grief and work through it constructively.

Sometimes that looks like crying into a pillow. Sometimes it looks like helping a friend or a neighbor. For me, it meant raising Harvey.

My prayer for you today is that you find joy through your pain. Despite your pain.

Mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance.

Jude 1:2

Peace and blessing, friends.

how to find power over your fear

 

 

As you guys know, I have been struggling with anxiety.

Yes, maybe I am beating a dead horse at this point,  but it has been a difficult journey. I have learned much about myself and my faith through this difficult season.

However, I have found something to be true lately. Let me back up though.

The past month, I have been struggling with the same irrational fear. It has kept me awake at night, paralyzed by fear and shame.

Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor. On the way to the office, I was glued, white-knuckled to the steering wheel. “I have to tell her I have to tell her I have to tell her” echoed in my mind. Dread echoed right back.

What if she thinks I am crazy? What if she judges me? What if, what if, what if..

I beat around the bush the whole appointment, right until I was about to leave.

“There was one more thing I wanted to talk to you about..” I mentioned timidly..

I closed my eyes, squeezed my hands together, and out tumbled the words.

My greatest fear, my greatest dread. It was hard.

I squeezed my eyelids together, lest the tears of embarrassment come streaming out. I paused several times, my sentences lasted too long and drifted off too much..

But I did it.

I left her office feeling lighter, better. I called my best friend on the way home, and surprised myself by admitting that seemingly crazy, irrational fear to her as well.

A shift had occurred. Something crazy had happened.

The more I spoke out about my irrational fears and thoughts, the less power they had over me.

 

Just being able to spit out those broken, messy words about my fears to my doctor made it that much easier to speak about. I suddenly didn’t feel so shameful, like I had some burning, embarrassing secret.

All the power these fears had over me seemed to diminish after I just owned up to them.

It was like saying them aloud made me realize how ridiculous they sounded.

That is my prayer for you today. That you find power over your fears. Speak truth to them.

Lord, please help my friends find power over their struggles and irrational fears. I pray for peace and healing in abundance to them. Lord, I pray this post speaks to someone struggling. You are the ultimate Healer and Peacemaker, God. Amen.

quiet the noise

I cannot express the healing that happens when I meditate.

I believe we need more quiet, more times of tranquility in our lives.

I encourage you to take 5, 10, 15 minutes to just slow down.

Find a comfy seat.

Find a YouTube video or a Spotify playlist with calm beats or instrumental music.

And just breathe.

Breathe deeply, in and out.

Take a seat as the observer of your thoughts. Don’t judge them, but just recognize how you feel.

Embrace them, then let them go, and focus on your breath.

Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8.

Continue until the end of your practice.

Give your spirit some rest and love today.

He who sets the captives free

My prayer for you today is that you release whatever is weighing you down.

Today, I release anxiety. The last year has been an incredibly difficult journey, as I experienced panic attacks and irrational, intrusive thoughts and rumination. Oftentimes, I have felt the person staring back at me in the mirror was not a reflection of my true self.

Today, my mind threatens to fall into the same trap of irrational thinking and rumination. My chest feels tight and my breath quickens. My mind turns thoughts over and over, until my vision is clouded with catastrophic outcomes.

I pray God liberates me from these chains.

I pray God liberates you from your chains.

Lord, today, I pray for everyone reading this to be free from that which binds them. Set the captives free, Lord. Rescue us from evil, from that which does not glorify You. I pray for healing, I pray for a renewed spirit. I pray for peace, joy, and comfort. You are the only answer, God.

Amen.

pray and do

Maybe you’re like me. You get so caught up in praying for things to happen..you often don’t make them happen.

Eek, do I smell heresy?

No, friends. Do not hear what I am not saying. I definitely believe prayer is powerful.

God can make some truly amazing things possible with prayer. Ultimately, God has the power over what happens in our lives. But while prayer is integral, there are also times that I believe God is pushing us to pray, but also take that first step of faith.

I have been reading a book called Sun Stand Still, and it mentioned the story of Joshua, eager to defeat the Amorites. He prayed that the Lord make the sun stand still, so they had daylight to defeat the enemy.

Joshua took a step of faith, and continued marching all night. Sure enough, God made the sun stand still. And just as God had promised, they found victory over the enemy.

I believe that we are called to pray, but also take a step of faith. That doesn’t mean we should just pray “Lord give me a million dollars tomorrow,” and go blow your last paycheck at the casino tonight.

I believe it means taking a step that is in alignment with Godly values. Is it something pleasing to the Lord, or is it something coming from a selfish desire?

A favorite line from this book is:

“If you’re going to have the audacity to ask God for something, you’d better be ready to act. Audacious prayer must be tethered to practical obedience.” –Sun Stand Still

To tie it together Biblically:

Faith, by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. –James 2:17

Joshua marched all night. Joshua didn’t just wait for a miracle, he applied himself physically and mentally.

“Joshua’s big prayer wasn’t a cop-out. He didn’t ask God to make the sun stand still while kneeling in the comfort of his tent. He did it on his feet after an all-night march. “-Sun Stand Still (Steven Furtick)

Are you convinced, yet?

My second takeaway from this idea, and from this book is ensuring that you are seeking Godly counsel. Speaking to other trusted believers about your action or step is another way to gain insight on whether your move is God-centered, not self-centered.

Overall, I believe prayer and action are equally important to our Christian lives. In fact, I would say they are intrinsically tied.

So pray. Pray and be ready to do. Take a step in faith towards what you believe you are being called to do.

What do you guys think? Is prayer with action important?

choose joy

In the midst of suffering, choose joy.

in the midst of sadness, choose joy.

In the midst of frustration, choose joy.

I myself am striving to choose joy in the midst of my darkness.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. -James 1:2-3

The testing of your faith produces perseverance. Steadfastness. Patience. Resiliency.

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. – Romans 8:18

Today, I hold tightly to these promises.

My trials, my tribulations are producing perseverance. These present sufferings do not compare to the glory we will experience in Heaven.

Take heart, friends. Find rest in God, and joy in the growth of your faith. Choose joy. 

unsettled

I dyed my own hair yesterday.

It was not supposed to be a drastic change, but I still felt rebellious, like a teenager doing something I was not supposed to.  Despite everyone’s advice to find an experienced hairdresser, I needed to do something drastic. Honestly, life has seemed so humdrum and monotonous for some time now. Unsettled.

Lately, I am unsure of my path. A lot of my next career move depends on things outside of my control. There is no timeline, only the feeling that I am on one.

How can I prepare if I have no idea what is ahead? I cry to God.

Ah, yes. There it is again. That little niggling need to retain control over every aspect of my life.

Just when you think you have snuffed it out, the flame comes back full-fledged.

I think God has been teaching me a painfully long lesson about patience. I also think He has been taking a crack hammer and a chisel to my rock-hard grip on my life.

I firmly believe God must have a sense of humor.. Granted, I am not always laughing too.

So what do we do in times of being unsettled, or times of waiting?

I am still trying to figure that one out. Perhaps God still has more to teach me about patience. Perhaps something better is coming.

I have no answers here, admittedly. I am trying to be okay with that. Maybe my suspicions are correct, and I am in the growing pains stage of building patience. Maybe the Lord is teaching me to wait on Him. Maybe.

How is life going for you, friends? Anyone else feel like they are in a season of waiting, of static discontent? Let’s encourage one another.