I have been stuck inside my mind as of late.
As you know, I am a Christian. I grew up in church, and (I thought I) fully realized the depth and weight of God’s love in college.
However, since getting married and moving out to the middle of nowhere, I have found myself face-to-face with never before seen questions.
“Why does God hate women?”
“Why would God not affirm LGBTQ+?”
“What proof is there really FOR God?”
“Why does the God of the Old Testament seem so hateful and vengeful, and so far removed from the loving and accepting God of the New Testament?”
For what was once blind belief has now been replaced with a sharp skepticism.
I cannot say I am upset by these newfound questions. I do not believe God would be upset for us having doubts when it’s been quite some time since he spoke openly to His children, unless I missed a burning bush moment along the way.
Can you blame me here?
23 years and not a shred of doubt?
Though it has uprooted some inner spiritual turmoil, I cannot say I am not glad it is happening.
What better way to either reaffirm or (dare I say it) shift away from my beliefs?
What better way to gain knowledge and clarity on something I hold so dear?
My experiences make me hold fast to the idea of a rich, spiritual world, but what does that look like? It does not look like my upbringing in a Southern Baptist Church, I will tell you that much.
I have so many questions, and no one to really ask them to. My family is adamantly Christian, and any form of questioning is borderline heresy. My husband does not have much interest in it or changing his beliefs (that is definitely not a dig at him, I wish I could be as comfortable and firm in my own), so he is not entirely interested nor is he really up for discussion. I also tend to dive in pretty deep with research, and that is not everyone’s forte. I get it.
However, it has been plaguing me, and I cannot help myself. The quest for answers has been weighing on my mind constantly, and my heart burns for answers. At the very least, it feels incredibly lonely.
Lately, accepting the fact that it is okay not to know has been somewhat comforting.
If God is really omniscient, then He knows my heart. I am not on a quest to burn my religion to the ground, only to seek answers to my long-neglected questions
For now, I intend to continue my personal research. I intend to reach out to those who have studied this in greater depth. Maybe I will come to some sort of conclusion. Maybe I won’t. Perhaps I will forever be on this spiritual path of wonder, intrigue, and oftentimes confusion and skepticism.
If nothing else, this journey has truly opened my mind to the wonder and mysticism of the Holy Bible, and the stories contained within it. Who knew this ancient book could hold such weight in 2019?
As always, I am open to opinion and debate. What do you think?
Is there a God or is there not? What makes you so sure?